American Idol - Saturday Night Live

It just came to me that "American Idol" is becoming so much like "Saturday Night Live". You know......SNL started out captivating all who saw it and, when current players did not measure up to the last, the show still went on. Same with Idol. I thought SNL was done with the departure of Chevy Chase, Mike Myers and, Will Ferrell, to name a few. And, I certainly thought Idol was done when Simon left and, the past five winners could only dream of the career of Carrie Underwood.

Interesting fact, in 1985 at the tenth season of SNL, there was a decision to bring in more seasoned comedians when some growing names had left the show. Season 10 of Idol...... seasoned singers were brought in to judge when there was only one original left standing.

Idol like SNL has had some down years but, in the end could possibly be around for another 25 years as well. We love our satire and our music and, a quest to keep moving on and getting better will make Idol something our grandchildren will know about. SNL premiered 10 years before my children were born and, today we all watch it.

If SNL had ended when Eddie Murphy left the show, would we have known Tina Fey? If Idol had ended when Simon left, would we have known how great Steven Tyler really is?

I predict that Scotty McCreery could soar to the heights of Carrie Underwood. So, like SNL....when Idol was dying, someone came in to breathe new life into it. Long live them both!

Oprah

Today marked the end of an era and a quarter century of afternoons with Oprah. Sure there are the naysayers who didn't get what the fuss was all about. All I can say about them is they wanted to be different and, Oprah would have applauded them for their views.

If we all had a nickel for every time her name was mentioned on TV or in the movies we would have amassed quite a tidy sum. All these notices were not of her own promotion but, just the fact she is and always will be the ultimate household name and icon.

We all know her story of less than humble beginnings, the difficulties she endured and, her coming of age in the genesis of the civil rights movement. There is no need to point out that she is of African American decent because that would be stupid. I think history will cite Oprah as one of the pioneers of race relations. She truly showed us that we are all the same.

Of course you can't be rich and powerful without someone coming in to dissect your actions. She gallantly arose from very serious issues in both her professional and private lives. But, again, we all know her story.

This is about my story with Oprah. I started watching at the beginning when I was a stay at home mom with two babies in tow.....She was my age, we had absolutely had nothing in common but, she intrigued me..... She showed me aspects of the world that were never in my scope..... She got excited about things I was excited about..... She taught me how to primp and preen and, be confident enough to face the public without makeup or a hairbrush.....She made me read books and see movies that I would have never bothered with.....She made me either laugh, cry, be thrilled or, show compassion every time I saw her.....She influenced what I bought, what I ate and how I lived.

So, thank you my BFF who I never met. My favorite thing ever said about Ms. Winfrey was ......"Oprah is the Queen of the Chicks"..... So here's to you American Queen Oprah......"May your coming reign but as significant as your first".

It Has Happened Again!

Come on you men out there, if you have an insatiable, roving eye and can't keep your zipper up.......don't get married. All you Average Joes can go under the radar and your philandering only hurts and humiliates your wife in front of her family and friends. There will never be a mention of it in the newspaper, the news in general or, segments on "Entertainment Tonight" about your lust. Oh sure, your children will be devastated and you could possibly loose your job but, your indiscretions only effect those who counted on and believed in you.

I can even understand finding a "soul mate" in a woman other than the one you chose to marry. Situations and circumstances can very well lead you into an affair. Not OK but, it doesn't make you a total CAD. Example.....Governor John Sanford, what he did was so wrong but, his wife did not have to start over with a bevy of his affairs slapped in her face. They will both survive.

Still can't figure out why Jackie O put up with her husband's "Alleged" affair with Marilyn Monroe. It's obvious that Hillary's best interest was to overlook Ginnifer, Paula and, Monica under the desk in the Oval Office. I lost a lot of respect for her and, it amazes me that Bill continues to be a revered statesman when he broke one of the "Ten Commandments".

Tiger and his story, which is history now, single handedly ruined the PGA Tour for me. He got the what goes around comes around when his game hit the dirt and good riddance. He, like Jesse James, publicly humiliated a great woman and, I admire these ladies for the way they handled it. I wouldn't hire John Edwards to clean my septic tank as his "love child" was conceived while his wife was dying.

Now the "Governator" to whom I spent lots of money seeing and even purchasing his movies and, another I once admired .....has now become the lowest form in the above listed. Becoming a father with two women who lived under the same roof while being married to one and the other being the maid probably makes Maria the most humiliated woman ever.

Of all the ones listed and, I could name so many more, it is really sad that only two whose reputations survived from scandal were our Presidents. But, I suppose that's how powerful a CAD needs to be to get away with it.

So, to you almighty gentlemen and, you Average Joes, think about it before your inflated egos lead you into something that could quite possibly ruin your lives. People will find out. No amount of money or careful planning will keep it from those who make their living by finding out what you do.

Live Like You Were Dying

I vividly remember being a child and calculating that by the year 2000 I would be 45 years old but, as a friend of the family reminded me each time I saw her.....the world would end by then. That lovely lady is almost ninety years old now. She expects the second coming any day but, she has chosen to live her life, as Tim McGraw put it, "like she was dying". She needs some help walking, terrifies all who ride with her at the wheel but, she continues to move, learn and is always willing to grasp the new concepts that keep coming her way.

I suppose how well we age is about making the right choices..... There are a percentage of us who are either overweight, smoke, drink, don't wear sunscreen, don't get enough exercise and, go through extremely stressful situations.......Then there are those of us, who eat only what we know is right, consider the body a temple and work hard to keep it moving and, go through stressful situations.......Then there are those of us who have chronic illnesses or, have abused our bodies in every way possible and, go through even more stressful situations.

No matter how well or badly we treat ourselves, our lives could end tomorrow. Or, we could live to be 90. You can choose to "Think this might be the real end" and consult a physician, have a surgery or, take a pill for every little thing that doesn't seem quite right.

We could "go sky diving" and, fight past every little ache, pain and,ignore some serious issues. But when it's your time.....you go. I back this up by witnessing two dear friends with so much life ahead of them, taken away from cancer while in their thirties. I've grieved when people I knew were killed by an accident or an act of nature. I've known people who have been murdered.

All of them "never had the chance to live like they were dying". It's a good idea to love deeper, speak sweeter and give forgiveness you've been denying because tomorrow is a real gift...........My 90 year old friend obviously has been living that way her whole life because she has always believed that the world would end tomorrow. She has lived like she was dying.

Waiting Rooms

Did you ever notice that doctor or dental offices who have reputations for making you wait a long time for your appointment have the worst magazines? I had an appointment yesterday with a huge orthopaedic practice and, again, I waited more than an hour to actually be called.

The waiting room was as large as a spacious apartment with, easily, fifty plus seats. The magazine choices were local freebies which are mostly ads, a couple of outdated "TIME"s, "HIGHLIGHTS" for children and, of all things a "SKIING" publication. That one certainly did not seem appropriate for a lobby full of people with casts, canes and, other ortho issues.

I thought I had struck GOLD when I stumbled across a "COUNTY LIVING".....That could entertain me for a while. A few pages in I noticed a "Got Milk" ad featuring a 15 year old LeAnn Rimes, confused I checked the date on the front cover.....March 1998!

Come on you prominent orthopaedic practice, you have patients of all ages, they have physical issues and generally not contagious at all. You have a muted 32" inch TV in a corner of an 1100 square foot room......please spring for some decent magazines.....you can afford it! Sure we should have known by now to bring a book and, we do have our cell phones but, we were supposed to turn them off upon entry...help us out here!

I also find it funny when I take my 90 year old Father-In-Law to his geriatric practice that the magazines are "ARTHRITIS TODAY" and other publications not on aging but, about being fully aged. Most of the very elderly are exhausted by the trip from the car to the waiting room and either snooze or enjoy new surroundings and could care less about reading while they wait to be called. On the other hand, there are just as many middle aged people who brought them there who, again, have to fight for those few outdated magazines scattered about.

Then you go to the doctor when you are really sick.....magazine selections remarkably get better but, you feel like crap and the person next to you looks worse than crap. Do you really want to touch anything around you here?

When you advance from the "Waiting Room" to the exam room in all of these situations there waits the "Pot of Gold" of publications. You go from waiting an hour with nothing to read to all this stuff you can't wait to get into......then the nurse and the doctor finally give you their full attention and you never have the chance to pick one up.

I have to give the dental profession top honors for their magazine selections. In most offices I have been in everything is interesting and current. My own "Primary" dentist has at least three magazines of interest for men, women and children in his eight seat waiting room but, the chair barely gets warm until I am called back with a suggestion to bring what I am reading. In the exam room there is actually a TV that is tuned into something worth watching. I don't even have to turn off my phone.

I wonder if all this could be one of the reasons that I will go to a doctor at a very last resort and, never go a day past my six month teeth cleaning?

For Those Who Hate Yard Work

You either love or hate working in the yard. For the "Haters" you have been blessed with people who make a living taking care of other people's lawns. I am certain that there isn't anyone prefers dead grass and wilting flowers to lusciousness and blooms.

You "Haters" may say that paying a professional comes from funds that are just not there. I feel your pain. You work all week, come home to family or other obligations and, you certainly need to work out. Been there, done that.

If you are thinking about buying a home don't opt for one with a massive yard if you are a "Hater" and don't have the funds for a service. If you currently have more grass to take care of than you think you can handle.......hear this.

1. Grass needs to be cut, at the very least, once every two weeks. If you have no concept of lime, plugging or feeding, pray that your weeds are green and a regular mow job can disguise them as grass.

2. Leaves need to be raked or blown away unless you want you lawn to look like a forest.

3. Any afternoon spent planting with a fortune's worth of flowers is a total waste of time and money if your only future commitment to them will be some water now and again.

4. There is a reason why church groups and boy scouts sell mulch or pine straw as fundraisers. Everyone needs to put some out.

5. No matter how you look at it......dead is not good. Plant life is the same as a human's they don't come back. Take time to dispose of the departed.

If you follow these simple rules yard work will still take some time but, certainly no more than a hour a week for three out of four seasons. You may hate those certain neighbors who continually weed, plant, water and mow. Believe me they hate you more.

You can always tell what the inside of a home looks like by seeing the outside. It's time to take pride in your home you "Haters". Every little bit helps.

More About the Royal Wedding

The wedding of William and Kate is now history. The cynics say good riddance as they feel bombarded by all the hoopla leading up to these nuptials for months and, rightly so. These people do not even live in our country or the countries of the millions of people who tuned in today. What is this fascination with the Royals?

I bet if you asked ten people, nine of them would be able to name most of the British Royal Family. You may say because news of them dominate our Television and Internet. How could one help not knowing? Which is true. Funny thing I know almost as much about Charles and Diana's wedding as I do William and Kate's.

This is amazing as at the first wedding in 1981 we only had TV, radio, newspapers and magazines to tell us about the events leading up to the big day. I recall the secrecy behind what gown Diana would wear, who did and did not get invited to the wedding, what food would be served and, on and on. Things did not change that much this go round.

I have no shame in admitting that I was completely wrapped up in both weddings. I watched and read tons about them. I think it is because it's a "Girl Thing" or, for "The Girls at Heart". What little girl has not heard a story of marrying a handsome prince? The British certainly know how to pull off a fairytale wedding.

Enough Plastic Please!

In this day and time, it is no longer a sign of success and wealth to have a wallet full of plastic cards. You know the ones.....They are the ones that let you buy anything you want as long as you don't exceed your limit. Then when that limit is exceeded you can get another to pay the balance and start all over again.

We hear stories daily of the devastation this practice has created and, I think everyone has wised up and knows how to use a Credit Card and the horrors of misuse. At least I hope so.

I'm talking about those other plastic cards which you probably have twice as many more of than the dangerous ones. Rewards Cards.

At last count I had over thirty of these mini pieces of plastic attached to my key chain. Other than being a huge burden to the little chain, it became impossible to find the correct one for the store I was in. Plus, never one to hurt any one's feelings, I always felt bad when the people at "Food Lion" saw that I had a card from "Harris Teeter".

Other than the grocery store ones that let you watch your savings roll at the cash register, the rest are pretty much useless. Oh sure, you get plenty of emails informing you of sales and occasionally some post office delivered mail with a coupon for something you never use but, there is absolutely no reason to carry them around. Especially when you can give your phone number and get the same benefits.

The whole process seems like such a waste of time and materials. You certainly don't have one for Wal-Mart or Target. High end department stores don't issue them but, if you have their REAL plastic card you can get some great deals.

I guess we have and will continue to live in a plastic world.

My Hat It Has Three Corners.......

"My Hat it has three corners, three corners has my hat and, had it not three corners, it would not be my hat". I still remember this song from my childhood at a time when "HATS" are really on my mind. I love hats and rarely wear one now. The ones I do wear are to keep my head warm and the sun off my face.

I think maybe I should have been born a Brit or an African American church lady as they seem to be the only groups who continue to wear decorative ones. At this time of The Royal Wedding, Easter and the "Bonnets" once associated with it plus, the Kentucky Derby, can't quit thinking about hats.

In the Middle Ages the church decreed that a lady's hair must be covered thus, began the woman's journey into the world of millinery. By the 18th century the art of creating head wear became a woman's profession. I wonder now if this might have been the first foray into females who worked outside the home. OK, we all know what the actual first one was.

In the years that followed elaborate hats were worn by the wealthy and those who churned butter wore bonnets. It was at the turn of the 20th century that the average woman dressed her head. The most common place to wear one was church. After the depression began the every occasion movement. I think that the everyday woman of the decades 30's through 60's use of chapeaus had something to do with the horrible hair styles they had. If you really think about it, the last time an average woman wore a hat came just after Jackie Kennedy's pink pillbox in 1963.

Sure there were the floppy ones of the 60's and 70's but, by this time the fancy hat had, once again, become a staple of the more glamorous and sassy. I'm sure the reason for this was the advent of hot rollers, blow dryers and really great hair color. Why on earth would a girl spend the time and money with these marvels only to cover up the result?

As I've said one group of women who still wear hats are Black church ladies. They are grandmothers now. Their daughters, like us White girls, spend a fortune to make their hair perfect and will most likely not be willing to mess or flatten it out. As for the Royals......How many 28 year old women still wear a hat with a feather on it to an event? Only in England. Another source for viewing a fine hat are worn by the wealthy women at The Kentucky Derby. Hats are now for the regal and wealthy but, I do see ads for them at a reasonable price. I wonder if the common hat will ever come back?

What Every Mother Should Teach Her Children......

We all know that a Mother is the woman who loves you, nurtures you, tries to teach you right from wrong and, will forever be your cheerleader. She may have disagreed with your decisions and, you with hers but, if you are blessed, you are each others' biggest fan.

Aside from "Share", say "Thank You", abide by the "Ten Commandments", don't do drugs, have unprotected sex or drink/text and drive, there are the eat your veggies and take a bath warnings that any great Mother will give.........

Here are just some other words of wisdom a Mom needs to relay to her children......

1. The money spent for your braces could have been a huge down payment for a new car. A fabulous gift. Wear your retainer, go to the dentist and, by all means, floss.

2. Don't ever go to bed without washing your face or, taking your makeup off. Wear sunscreen. When I was a kid it was called "suntan lotion" and we were the generation who invented "Skin Cancer".

3. Body piercings do grow back.....decide whether or not you want your 90 year old body to sport a wrinkled up version of a Unicorn or whatever tattoo seems right at the time.

4. If you loan a video, book or CD to a friend or acquaintance there is a 50% chance that you will ever get them back.

5. If you are in charge of something such as a gift or funeral arrangement from a group......chances are you won't collect from someone.

6. It would be wise to know something about plumbing, car maintenance and the work of an electrician. Even if there has been and always will be someone who takes care of these things for you, your decisions as who to hire will be much more intelligent if you know a little something.

7. Maintaining good relationships with immediate and extended families not only give you fodder for some great stories but, guarantee that there will be someone to help you when you're down.

8. The ATM is not the pot-of-gold at the end of the rainbow. You or, someone who is rich or really loves you has to fill it.

9. Feel blessed that you have a job or studying for a future. If either is not to your liking keep your displeasure limited to family, friends or, someone who can change it. NEVER let anyone seeking your services know you are unhappy. Trust me, they don't care.

10. No matter how hard you try to change it......You will always have some mannerism, quirk or, say something your Mother said that you swore you never would.

Mother's hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.

Running

I've done some really great things in my life. It's a good thing I feel that way because the things I consider great just make me a pretty typical person. No Nobel Prizes for me, it takes a tremendous amount of study for me to operate a cell phone or a computer, I haven't been on a mission to help a devastated country, I've never won an Academy Award or placed on American Idol but, I once was a runner.

Of course, I never went to the Olympics or the Boston Marathon. I wasn't good enough for them but, plenty good enough for me.

It all started in the late seventies when I was a newlywed and had such a desire to get in really good shape. At the time the Y was there and a new crop of fitness places had begun to spring up. Alas, they cost money which was not plentiful for a new bride whose husband was in college. So what was a formerly non-athletic girl to do? I was a klutz at tennis, couldn't swim that well and my prior life experiences proved that I was never going to be a star or a competitor in organized sports.

I can't remember why exactly I thought I could run when my running in grade school and HS gym classes placed me, most of the time, in last place. I think maybe I had seen on TV that Farrah Fawcett, Mick Jagger and a host of others "jogged". It seemed like such a cool thing to do.

So on a January day in '78 I went out and tried to run a mile around our apartment complex. My efforts were a bit pathetic at first but, by Spring I had persevered enough to branch out from my comfort zone and go further. By Summer, running was in my blood. By Fall, I was logging miles and, by Winter, weather was not an option for missing my daily run.

In the years that followed it was a known fact that I got up each morning early enough to run my ten miles before work. My husband, bless his heart, knew that on most weekends he would be hauling me to locations to watch and wait for me to run a race. Same went for family or friends who wanted to see me on a Saturday or Sunday.

I can still feel the joy of the "runner's high", a better pair of running shoes and, just the delight of being alone with my thoughts while doing something that felt good and was good for me. The movie "Chariots of Fire" came out during this time and I can still hear the music.

Now it's some thirty years later and, though I still consider myself a runner, I haven't done it so much for a really long time. My first pregnancy in 1985 slowed me down considerably as did subsequent pregnancies, motherhood and life in general. Of course, by then I was an athlete and found many great ways to stay in shape with two babies/children in tow. However, it became quite impossible to crawl out of bed and take off for a hour or so to be alone with my thoughts. I actually met other women who managed to do it but, it never quite worked for me. I had no doubt that one day "I WOULD BE BACK".

So, time went by and my children grew up and left the nest. The ultimate opportunity to regain my runner's mojo. It just wasn't that easy. By that time my exercise attempts had become much more sporadic, my body was a couple of decades older and, my feet were a mess. So, by the age of 50 I had given up hope of ever really running again.

Now, some six years later with the help of an Ipod (how did I ever run without one?), surgeries to correct my aching feet and, a sheer determination to get back out there; I am making strides. One of my "Bucket List" requirements is to drag my husband, children and maybe, grandchildren out there to watch me run a race. I think it could be possible as I feel that drive of 1978.

My, My, My, My...... Boogie Shoes.....

For the past twenty plus years being comfortable in a sexy pair of shoes has not been an option for me. I was determined to wear some at my son's wedding two years ago, I did and barely made it down the aisle and back. As I've said before, I got my Grandmother's horrible feet and, before I realized it I had run literally hundreds of miles, danced, jumped up and down and, wore some pretty bad shoes. Pretty mind you, just bad.

I am just off yet another procedure to take years off my feet and, envy all the women my age whose elective surgeries are to stretch out the skin on their faces. I marvel at women over 50, mostly on TV who wear three inch heels or higher. As Oprah once revealed, her great, sexy shoes carried her on stage and off.

Oh sure, I have a ridiculous amount of shoes with five pairs of them at most, wearable for extended periods. They are called AVIA, CROCKS, CLARKS and AEROSOLES. You certainly don't hear about a woman on the "RED CARPET" saying that her shoes are NATURALIZERS.

Since my feet have gone from that of a ninety year old woman to ones of a lady at least a decade younger (which kind of sucks for someone in her fifties); I recently went shopping for new shoes. Shoe stores are still the same. Really cute shoes that look horrifically painful to comfortable ones that are hideously ugly. A couple of years ago I had heard that COLE HAHN had teamed with NIKE to create a sexy shoe that wouldn't hurt one's feet. Of course, they were very expensive so they didn't take off because of this or the fact, it is always torture for a woman to wear high heels.

Who was the actual person who created the high heel? And why are women the ones who have to wear them? Is this again because of what you did..........EVE? Whatever, the reason, enjoy the time in your "Boogie Shoes".

Spring and Fall

If you poll 100 people from NC as to what their favorite season of the year is, ninety percent, I'm sure, would say Spring or Fall. Of course, they are beautiful seasons and so deserve this distinction but, around here are becoming such a rarity.

You can be mowing the grass, watering flowers and, wearing shorts one day and be shoveling snow the next. Then you can be sitting on the sofa under a blanket and twenty four hours later flipping the switch for the AC.

I figure we get about three good weeks of Spring around here. A time we can open the windows if we enjoy having the yellow dust come in. We can go through the day being comfortable in whatever we decide to wear. If we have sunroofs or convertables it is the perfect time to use them. This all gives us electric and gas bills for one month where the total cost is like pocket change compared to the frightening ones of the past ninety days. If we refuse to wait until after Memorial Day to wear white slacks we may as well forget them for casual affairs because it will be way too hot. Planting flowers and working in the yard is a pleasant delight.......but, don't blink, it goes entirely too fast.

We also get three good weeks of Fall where the same delights we find in our three weeks of Spring hold true. Open windows, shruken utility bills and the joy of being comfortable outside. If it weren't against the law to wear white after Labor Day, we could enjoy all these clothes that are too hot for Summer again.

Lets see.....there are twelve months in a year, four seasons and fifty-two weeks. Around here we get three weeks of Spring, three weeks of Fall, twenty-three weeks of Summer and, twenty-three weeks of Winter. That doesn't seem right.

Finding a Date

I have been happily out of the dating game for over 34 years and, before that, I was just a kid. Back then your dates came from those you knew from school, church or work. There were friend "referrals" and you could cruise bars in the quest to find the perfect mate. Of course, I wasn't aware of anyone who had lost their spouse or significant other by death or divorce in middle age and, I suppose, back then the above mentioned places were the only options possible to, again, find love.

There were the personal ads, a concept dating back to the thirties. I think they were viewed as a desperate and not well thought out.

Enter the Internet, chat rooms and, the businesses that became empires just to hook people up. Flash forward thirty years when my friends divorced or widowed are well into middle age. What to do? Sure they can troll bars when they haven't been in one in decades. They may have spent more than a few Sunday's absent from church. They work with a group of people who are married or not of the same sexual orientation. They've long been out of school. And, it becomes harder for them accept friend recommendations. They don't want to hurt any one's feelings..........So, you Baby Boomers seeking a date, you are blessed. It is now much easier to find one.

I have numerous friends and family members who are happily in a relationship because of a chat room, dating site and, now Facebook. In our age chocked with gadgets to make our lives easier, why wouldn't we go online to build and develop a relationship?

You can't lie about your age, height, weight or hair color. You can't falsely deem yourself a millionaire, athlete or a god in general if you ever want to meet the person you've been talking to face to face. It won't take long to figure it out. You will know if they are educated because a complete butchering of the English language or being too stupid to know that there is "Spell Check" will be a dead giveaway by the notes you've written. And, let's face it, do you really want to meet someone who doesn't know their way around cyber space?

I saying to all of you "Boomers" seeking love again, E X E R C I S E your options. Getting to know someone through written words seems like the perfect thing to do. You can do the prep work at your leisure and, when you obligate yourself to a meeting you already so much about the person.

I am certainly not saying this is the fool proof way to find true love. If my husband and I filled out profiles, chances are that we would not be a match. However, signing up gets you that much closer to finding the perfect one. Just do it!

It's Pushing Me Over the Top!

My husband's big joke is that if he dies of mysterious circumstances, check me out first. This is because of my love of true crime novels and movies. Yes, I have learned from Velma Barfield and Blanche Taylor Moore that a sprinkle of arsenic each day can lead someone to an unmerciful and possibly undetected death. Don't fear dear.....I swerve to miss a squirrel and, I hate them. I'd rather have you than the insurance money, you are a wonderful husband and, I don't have a honey on the side. You are safe!

However, the condition of our garage is pushing me over the top. For a man whose dress and grooming is immaculate, who cleans up his dishes, NEVER leaves dirty clothes on the floor and makes the bed, I am now wondering if you might just have some hoarding tendencies. The garage is not the only place where I evidence this but, it's the place I use too.

Through our years of marriage we've learned to accept that I am anal, compulsive and, orderly. We've also learned to accept that you need an extra closet, a room and a drawer in kitchen that I am not allowed to clean or organize.

In the days when our children were small and there were bicycles, sporting equipment and dirty shoes littering our garage, I was fine as long as I could get my car in. I learned to live with the rakes, blowers, paint, chemicals and, everything associated with the upkeep of a house, lawn and car. Of course, I would go in as I was allowed and weed out things that weren't used anymore. My biggest mistake there was taking a six month pair of LL Bean men's boots to Goodwill. I'll never live that one down.

Unbelievably, our garage of 15 years ago looked 10 thousand times better than our present one. Our children are grown and gone so there are no more soccer balls or scooters.

But, we still have the "BAG" chairs that were a staple of any household when we bought them over a decade ago. They haven't been used in at least five years. Why would I save the dirty worn out things when if I ever need one again, I'll rent it?

Why would you have a car ramp and oil change equipment when you now take your car to the professionals for maintenance? We pay a lawn service to do all the weeding, seeding and the really big projects so, why do we need an commercial leaf blower, weed whacker and a aerator? Not to mention a stump removal compound that has a sticky price label on it. Think about how long they've been scanning bar codes.

It is a given that I don't have the patience to paint a room badly. The last room you painted was a masterpiece but, it took weeks to complete and, you hated every minute of the task and everyone knew it. So, why do we have a floor to ceiling cabinet with paint supplies when we have long since turned this chore over to "Small Business" owners. We have wallpaper hanging equipment when we've spent the past ten years tearing down the wall coverings we once thought so great.

I will not begin to touch on the fact that we probably have 100 screw drivers, 20 orange extension cords and 10 pairs of work gloves. And, why do we have the parts from a AC unit that has been replaced?

We have discussed and, I've vetoed a storage shed. I see it is something ugly sitting in the yard to house all the things you can't part with. I see a shed as something our children will eventually have to haul away. You know as well as I do, this really disrupts your schedule. Do we want this for them?

HOWEVER........You have fixed and put together things better than the pros. You, for years, changed the oil in the cars and, kept them looking good and running for at least ten years. We have never had to call a plumber. You even do electrical work and, these are just a few or your talents. For these, I know you needed tools.

So Dear.......You are about ten years away from "real" retirement but, it's now safe to assume your time is worth more than the cost of hiring a contractor. You've grown bored with these tasks.

If we could just go to the garage, you tell me what things you are willing to part with. Plus, give me a really good reason as to why you can't. I will haul it all away on my back, if necessary.

And, I promise you won't find any "Anti-Ant".

Computer Setbacks

Let's get this straight.....until I was in my thirties, I had never touched a computer. Oh sure, I could type and word process with the best of them. I could set tabs and do all the things needed to write in the late eighties. It was at this time that my new career became "Stay At Home Mom" and my job description changed. It was a good thing too because the "Mouse" that had recently been introduced proved to be quite a challenge.

I sailed through the early nineties doing the Mom thing and relying on a word processor to tap out things that needed to be typed. Business letters and formal correspondence were about the only things I needed it for. My writing was done with pen and paper. The newsletters I did for the kid's schools and clubs I was in were a literal cut and paste effort. Plus, God blessed me with amazing penmanship. So I was going to be just fine.

I am married to an engineer so of course, I had heard the words Lotus, Microsoft and DOS. Apple was still a fruit.

There was a computer in our house from '88 to '95 when it was a thing I dusted and grumbled about all the books and cords associated with having one. I absolutely had no idea why we had floppy disks. Any conversations I was exposed to of this nature may as well have been in Chinese. I really didn't need to know any of this.

I suppose it was about '95 when my children were 8 and 10 and, I knew their games, school work and the direction they were going far exceeded "TROUBLE", spelling words and anything I had ever known. Plus, I was entering a "professional" world again and my tried and true methods of communication were looking much less polished.

Little by little, through the end of the decade I was learning to produce documents. I could create a newsletter using "Print Shop", have a resume on file and, even email my friends. I had no idea as to why I was able to do this because my "Better Half" made it all possible. I was entering the new millennium and I knew everything I thought I would ever need to about a computer.

It worked well for me the next five years. I was working outside the home and any program I needed to use, I could handle. Which took me to the end of 2005.

Then it became essential that I learn so much more. Cutting and Pasting went from something that just popped on my screen to something I needed to do to make my work better. I had, as I thought, conquered the world of fonts and, was a whiz at changing the size or adding some color. I could make my own greeting cards, bank/pay bills and, I even learned to scan. I was truly on top of things. Or so I thought.

Through this time the technical side of my mostly artistic brain was bombarded with a cell phone I was not adept at using, remotes on my TV and entertainment equipment that I couldn't begin to fathom what all the buttons were for. Plus, I needed to read a manual to operate a new Washer/Dryer. Gone were the days when there was simply an ON/OFF switch. I was getting along just fine being 95% computer illiterate until the day it all changed.

I suppose it was early '09 when my son was getting ready to get married that it hit me; I needed to know more about this computer that I was on every single day. I was put in charge on making programs for the wedding. My fonts, colors and organization of my documents needed a major overhaul for this task and through the Spring and Summer I worked on a better delivery. My questions to my husband and children began to sound more intelligent than hopeless.

I was quite proud of the programs I ultimately created with the guidance of my future daughter-in-law. Then came the wedding.....one of the absolute greatest days of my life and the pictures that came with it had to be shared with everyone I knew whether they were at the wedding or not. Sadly, at this point, I was unable to transfer images from my camera to our computer.

After I conquered this obstacle, I could email them to everyone. Then I realized that I could only send a few at a time and, I had learned by this point that no one wants all the bytes/clutter coming in. Then it was suggested that I go on Facebook and send them that way. Facebook, another long story, was something my kids did. I figured that the only people who would see them would be their friends as I certainly didn't know anyone over 30 using this medium. Wrong again!

So, I signed in and the rest is history...my love of Facebook and all the joy it's given me. Again, I was so content with all I knew........Then, late that year, I got a gift that changed my life. My own laptop.

Such a precious gift that I wanted to know everything I could do to keep up and running. There were tremdous hits and misses but, since that day I have this blog and another one, a website and, although I had done some on-line shopping, I'm now a pro at it. I've have even finally taken courses to enhance my skills.

Of course, if left to my own devices, I could not buy and assemble a desk top or even get a printer up and running without a GEEK squad but, I no longer think that I know all that I need to know. I am really looking forward to what the next ten years will bring.

Dirty Jokes

When I was a kid on a elementary school playground in the sixties I was only aware of one dirty joke.

"I don't drink, cuss or smoke" but,
damn, I left my cigarettes at the liquor store!"

I can honestly say I was well into my teens before I heard another one. Let's face it, in the sixties the only stand up comedians you saw were the ones on TV and in the movies. And, at that time, it was all very G-rated. It was probably until the end of the decade until anyone had access to a comic who crossed the line into risque.

I just googled who were/are considered the greatest stand-ups of all time. Number 1 was Lenny Bruce. Although when he performed I was only a kid and he wasn't on TV or in the movies so I missed his act. I now know of his comedy as his legacy, obviously, continues some almost 50 years after his death. His work was quite naughty, enough to get him arrested for obscenity charges. If the kids on the playground had had the opportunity to hear him back then, the dirty jokes would have been much better.

As I began to write this my premise was to be based on a Comedy Show I saw just last night which I found somewhat vulgar and offensive and, how though funny at times, I wondered if it was possible to be a successful stand-up without being a bit randy and cutting edge. Then I checked the list.

Number 2 was Richard Pryor followed by Woody Allen, Mort Sahl, Buddy Hackett, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Richard Lewis, Robin Williams and Rodney Dangerfield. Anyone born prior to 1980 have probably heard all of them. After 1980, maybe three or four. As you can see, all of these guys acts always had shock value. A trait essential for a comedic great. I've attached the list of the top 100 and it makes it clear what a professional in this field has to do to be great.

To all the aspiring comics out there, it is important to appall, astound, agitate and, perhaps disgust. If you have the proper delivery you can do it all without being crass.

To Color or Not?

I can honestly say that every woman I know has colored her hair at one point in time. My own driver's license states that my hair is blonde when until 15 years ago and 40 years prior my hair was brown. Certainly not a bad brown but, a color from about the age of 19 I felt compelled to change. Nothing ever drastic just some shots of Sun-In here and there. Then one day a blonde friend commented that her hair used to be a "mousy brown" just like mine. First, my color was never mousy but, when my long trusted hairdresser suggested highlights just after this reflection; I jumped on board.

I loved the results. And, the highlights grew to be more intense. However, at a time of children and, that they would one day go to college the cost of the process became entirely too expensive. So, I joined the masses and went to do-it-yourself hair color. This meant stepping away from the time consuming salon process to thirty minutes which made me blonder and blonder. I have no complaints.

My issue is with men and their hair color. It is a proven fact that you all get better with age. Of course, we women, unless in extreme cases, don't have to worry about "Male Pattern Baldness". I certainly know how this issue can upset your vanity and, I understand. However, if you have a full head of hair and it turns grey be it 40, 50 or 60. Believe me, it looks good.

What doesn't look good is for any man in this age group to color their hair in what I now call "Old Man Brown". Is there a product you can buy to achieve this totally unnatural color? Talk about mousy! I know you guys think this is a subtle change as you certainly can't go blonde or really any other color different from the one God gave you. I once saw a old friend who went from brown to grey to jet black. When I ran into him it was hard to look him in the eye much less suppress a laugh.

Then there are my buddies who opted for "Old Man Brown". Believe me, we notice and think "What was he thinking?" Funny thing behind all of them is a woman who thought that would be a good idea. Come on girls.....we are the only ones who can color our hair.

Elizabeth Taylor

I can remember as a child my Mother telling me that Elizabeth Taylor was the most beautiful woman in the world. Of course, those were the days when beautiful women consisted of the ones you knew and ones you could see in movies, magazines or TV. These days, of course, you get to see so many more beautiful women. There are scads of them.

As I watched the footage of Elizabeth's life today there wasn't a single moment of...."I didn't know that", it was all a reflection of what I already knew. I read that if you were born before 1970 you knew everything there was to know about her. I know this is true.

OK, she was like any other child star whose grown up life became fodder for scandal. She married first when just a child. It didn't take and she went on to do it for seven additional times. She was the first Angelina Jole breaking up the marriage of the current "America's Sweethearts". She was even denounced by the Pope for extra marital forays. In the meantime she won Academy Awards, had children who will always adore her and continued to marry everyone from actors to senators to carpenters. I have to think how special she was as a friend. She kept the secrets of Sal Maneo, supported Michael Jackson through his darkest days and when her buddy Rock was exposed by his death from AIDS, she became the disease's biggest crusader.

She built an empire by selling her name, was not afraid of poking fun at herself and every interview she ever did was a humorous delight. Elizabeth (she told Barbara Walters one time that she hated LIZ) had an impressive amount of jewelry and was not afraid to tell anyone about it. Thinking that these jewels could set her children for life. There will be no news stories of her children disputing her will and, I'm pretty sure there will be no long, dark secrets to come out.

Elizabeth wore herself and heart on her sleve. She didn't hide or was ever afraid to expose her problems. She made us feel like we all knew her and, we all found this admirable and respected her. She was truly the most beautiful physically and mentally.

Men and Their Tools

OK girls we all know that men have two brains. One, we hope is chocked full of talent and knowledge. The other talented and kept under control. When your significant other possesses each of these you are very blessed.

I know the following does not apply to all men but, I am going to focus here on a man and his tools. We all know that a man is the last one to ask for directions and the first one who thinks he can fix something. Most times you are delighted with his work when it saves some money. I can't begin to tell you about all the things my own husband has fixed while I sat in awe and amazement of what he accomplished.

But, there is the time to retire guys. Unless, you have a burning desire to paint a room, install new lighting, seed a lawn or change the oil in a car. It's time to turn it over to the pros. Not saying you can no longer do it. When it costs money to buy the tools (more clutter) and you complain about losing your weekend (or many weekends) to complete said task, it's just not fun for anyone.

So to all you guys over 50.......support small businesses and evaluate how much your time is worth. I think you will come out much cheaper by just letting go.