It's Pushing Me Over the Top!

My husband's big joke is that if he dies of mysterious circumstances, check me out first. This is because of my love of true crime novels and movies. Yes, I have learned from Velma Barfield and Blanche Taylor Moore that a sprinkle of arsenic each day can lead someone to an unmerciful and possibly undetected death. Don't fear dear.....I swerve to miss a squirrel and, I hate them. I'd rather have you than the insurance money, you are a wonderful husband and, I don't have a honey on the side. You are safe!

However, the condition of our garage is pushing me over the top. For a man whose dress and grooming is immaculate, who cleans up his dishes, NEVER leaves dirty clothes on the floor and makes the bed, I am now wondering if you might just have some hoarding tendencies. The garage is not the only place where I evidence this but, it's the place I use too.

Through our years of marriage we've learned to accept that I am anal, compulsive and, orderly. We've also learned to accept that you need an extra closet, a room and a drawer in kitchen that I am not allowed to clean or organize.

In the days when our children were small and there were bicycles, sporting equipment and dirty shoes littering our garage, I was fine as long as I could get my car in. I learned to live with the rakes, blowers, paint, chemicals and, everything associated with the upkeep of a house, lawn and car. Of course, I would go in as I was allowed and weed out things that weren't used anymore. My biggest mistake there was taking a six month pair of LL Bean men's boots to Goodwill. I'll never live that one down.

Unbelievably, our garage of 15 years ago looked 10 thousand times better than our present one. Our children are grown and gone so there are no more soccer balls or scooters.

But, we still have the "BAG" chairs that were a staple of any household when we bought them over a decade ago. They haven't been used in at least five years. Why would I save the dirty worn out things when if I ever need one again, I'll rent it?

Why would you have a car ramp and oil change equipment when you now take your car to the professionals for maintenance? We pay a lawn service to do all the weeding, seeding and the really big projects so, why do we need an commercial leaf blower, weed whacker and a aerator? Not to mention a stump removal compound that has a sticky price label on it. Think about how long they've been scanning bar codes.

It is a given that I don't have the patience to paint a room badly. The last room you painted was a masterpiece but, it took weeks to complete and, you hated every minute of the task and everyone knew it. So, why do we have a floor to ceiling cabinet with paint supplies when we have long since turned this chore over to "Small Business" owners. We have wallpaper hanging equipment when we've spent the past ten years tearing down the wall coverings we once thought so great.

I will not begin to touch on the fact that we probably have 100 screw drivers, 20 orange extension cords and 10 pairs of work gloves. And, why do we have the parts from a AC unit that has been replaced?

We have discussed and, I've vetoed a storage shed. I see it is something ugly sitting in the yard to house all the things you can't part with. I see a shed as something our children will eventually have to haul away. You know as well as I do, this really disrupts your schedule. Do we want this for them?

HOWEVER........You have fixed and put together things better than the pros. You, for years, changed the oil in the cars and, kept them looking good and running for at least ten years. We have never had to call a plumber. You even do electrical work and, these are just a few or your talents. For these, I know you needed tools.

So Dear.......You are about ten years away from "real" retirement but, it's now safe to assume your time is worth more than the cost of hiring a contractor. You've grown bored with these tasks.

If we could just go to the garage, you tell me what things you are willing to part with. Plus, give me a really good reason as to why you can't. I will haul it all away on my back, if necessary.

And, I promise you won't find any "Anti-Ant".

Computer Setbacks

Let's get this straight.....until I was in my thirties, I had never touched a computer. Oh sure, I could type and word process with the best of them. I could set tabs and do all the things needed to write in the late eighties. It was at this time that my new career became "Stay At Home Mom" and my job description changed. It was a good thing too because the "Mouse" that had recently been introduced proved to be quite a challenge.

I sailed through the early nineties doing the Mom thing and relying on a word processor to tap out things that needed to be typed. Business letters and formal correspondence were about the only things I needed it for. My writing was done with pen and paper. The newsletters I did for the kid's schools and clubs I was in were a literal cut and paste effort. Plus, God blessed me with amazing penmanship. So I was going to be just fine.

I am married to an engineer so of course, I had heard the words Lotus, Microsoft and DOS. Apple was still a fruit.

There was a computer in our house from '88 to '95 when it was a thing I dusted and grumbled about all the books and cords associated with having one. I absolutely had no idea why we had floppy disks. Any conversations I was exposed to of this nature may as well have been in Chinese. I really didn't need to know any of this.

I suppose it was about '95 when my children were 8 and 10 and, I knew their games, school work and the direction they were going far exceeded "TROUBLE", spelling words and anything I had ever known. Plus, I was entering a "professional" world again and my tried and true methods of communication were looking much less polished.

Little by little, through the end of the decade I was learning to produce documents. I could create a newsletter using "Print Shop", have a resume on file and, even email my friends. I had no idea as to why I was able to do this because my "Better Half" made it all possible. I was entering the new millennium and I knew everything I thought I would ever need to about a computer.

It worked well for me the next five years. I was working outside the home and any program I needed to use, I could handle. Which took me to the end of 2005.

Then it became essential that I learn so much more. Cutting and Pasting went from something that just popped on my screen to something I needed to do to make my work better. I had, as I thought, conquered the world of fonts and, was a whiz at changing the size or adding some color. I could make my own greeting cards, bank/pay bills and, I even learned to scan. I was truly on top of things. Or so I thought.

Through this time the technical side of my mostly artistic brain was bombarded with a cell phone I was not adept at using, remotes on my TV and entertainment equipment that I couldn't begin to fathom what all the buttons were for. Plus, I needed to read a manual to operate a new Washer/Dryer. Gone were the days when there was simply an ON/OFF switch. I was getting along just fine being 95% computer illiterate until the day it all changed.

I suppose it was early '09 when my son was getting ready to get married that it hit me; I needed to know more about this computer that I was on every single day. I was put in charge on making programs for the wedding. My fonts, colors and organization of my documents needed a major overhaul for this task and through the Spring and Summer I worked on a better delivery. My questions to my husband and children began to sound more intelligent than hopeless.

I was quite proud of the programs I ultimately created with the guidance of my future daughter-in-law. Then came the wedding.....one of the absolute greatest days of my life and the pictures that came with it had to be shared with everyone I knew whether they were at the wedding or not. Sadly, at this point, I was unable to transfer images from my camera to our computer.

After I conquered this obstacle, I could email them to everyone. Then I realized that I could only send a few at a time and, I had learned by this point that no one wants all the bytes/clutter coming in. Then it was suggested that I go on Facebook and send them that way. Facebook, another long story, was something my kids did. I figured that the only people who would see them would be their friends as I certainly didn't know anyone over 30 using this medium. Wrong again!

So, I signed in and the rest is history...my love of Facebook and all the joy it's given me. Again, I was so content with all I knew........Then, late that year, I got a gift that changed my life. My own laptop.

Such a precious gift that I wanted to know everything I could do to keep up and running. There were tremdous hits and misses but, since that day I have this blog and another one, a website and, although I had done some on-line shopping, I'm now a pro at it. I've have even finally taken courses to enhance my skills.

Of course, if left to my own devices, I could not buy and assemble a desk top or even get a printer up and running without a GEEK squad but, I no longer think that I know all that I need to know. I am really looking forward to what the next ten years will bring.

Dirty Jokes

When I was a kid on a elementary school playground in the sixties I was only aware of one dirty joke.

"I don't drink, cuss or smoke" but,
damn, I left my cigarettes at the liquor store!"

I can honestly say I was well into my teens before I heard another one. Let's face it, in the sixties the only stand up comedians you saw were the ones on TV and in the movies. And, at that time, it was all very G-rated. It was probably until the end of the decade until anyone had access to a comic who crossed the line into risque.

I just googled who were/are considered the greatest stand-ups of all time. Number 1 was Lenny Bruce. Although when he performed I was only a kid and he wasn't on TV or in the movies so I missed his act. I now know of his comedy as his legacy, obviously, continues some almost 50 years after his death. His work was quite naughty, enough to get him arrested for obscenity charges. If the kids on the playground had had the opportunity to hear him back then, the dirty jokes would have been much better.

As I began to write this my premise was to be based on a Comedy Show I saw just last night which I found somewhat vulgar and offensive and, how though funny at times, I wondered if it was possible to be a successful stand-up without being a bit randy and cutting edge. Then I checked the list.

Number 2 was Richard Pryor followed by Woody Allen, Mort Sahl, Buddy Hackett, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Richard Lewis, Robin Williams and Rodney Dangerfield. Anyone born prior to 1980 have probably heard all of them. After 1980, maybe three or four. As you can see, all of these guys acts always had shock value. A trait essential for a comedic great. I've attached the list of the top 100 and it makes it clear what a professional in this field has to do to be great.

To all the aspiring comics out there, it is important to appall, astound, agitate and, perhaps disgust. If you have the proper delivery you can do it all without being crass.

To Color or Not?

I can honestly say that every woman I know has colored her hair at one point in time. My own driver's license states that my hair is blonde when until 15 years ago and 40 years prior my hair was brown. Certainly not a bad brown but, a color from about the age of 19 I felt compelled to change. Nothing ever drastic just some shots of Sun-In here and there. Then one day a blonde friend commented that her hair used to be a "mousy brown" just like mine. First, my color was never mousy but, when my long trusted hairdresser suggested highlights just after this reflection; I jumped on board.

I loved the results. And, the highlights grew to be more intense. However, at a time of children and, that they would one day go to college the cost of the process became entirely too expensive. So, I joined the masses and went to do-it-yourself hair color. This meant stepping away from the time consuming salon process to thirty minutes which made me blonder and blonder. I have no complaints.

My issue is with men and their hair color. It is a proven fact that you all get better with age. Of course, we women, unless in extreme cases, don't have to worry about "Male Pattern Baldness". I certainly know how this issue can upset your vanity and, I understand. However, if you have a full head of hair and it turns grey be it 40, 50 or 60. Believe me, it looks good.

What doesn't look good is for any man in this age group to color their hair in what I now call "Old Man Brown". Is there a product you can buy to achieve this totally unnatural color? Talk about mousy! I know you guys think this is a subtle change as you certainly can't go blonde or really any other color different from the one God gave you. I once saw a old friend who went from brown to grey to jet black. When I ran into him it was hard to look him in the eye much less suppress a laugh.

Then there are my buddies who opted for "Old Man Brown". Believe me, we notice and think "What was he thinking?" Funny thing behind all of them is a woman who thought that would be a good idea. Come on girls.....we are the only ones who can color our hair.

Elizabeth Taylor

I can remember as a child my Mother telling me that Elizabeth Taylor was the most beautiful woman in the world. Of course, those were the days when beautiful women consisted of the ones you knew and ones you could see in movies, magazines or TV. These days, of course, you get to see so many more beautiful women. There are scads of them.

As I watched the footage of Elizabeth's life today there wasn't a single moment of...."I didn't know that", it was all a reflection of what I already knew. I read that if you were born before 1970 you knew everything there was to know about her. I know this is true.

OK, she was like any other child star whose grown up life became fodder for scandal. She married first when just a child. It didn't take and she went on to do it for seven additional times. She was the first Angelina Jole breaking up the marriage of the current "America's Sweethearts". She was even denounced by the Pope for extra marital forays. In the meantime she won Academy Awards, had children who will always adore her and continued to marry everyone from actors to senators to carpenters. I have to think how special she was as a friend. She kept the secrets of Sal Maneo, supported Michael Jackson through his darkest days and when her buddy Rock was exposed by his death from AIDS, she became the disease's biggest crusader.

She built an empire by selling her name, was not afraid of poking fun at herself and every interview she ever did was a humorous delight. Elizabeth (she told Barbara Walters one time that she hated LIZ) had an impressive amount of jewelry and was not afraid to tell anyone about it. Thinking that these jewels could set her children for life. There will be no news stories of her children disputing her will and, I'm pretty sure there will be no long, dark secrets to come out.

Elizabeth wore herself and heart on her sleve. She didn't hide or was ever afraid to expose her problems. She made us feel like we all knew her and, we all found this admirable and respected her. She was truly the most beautiful physically and mentally.

Men and Their Tools

OK girls we all know that men have two brains. One, we hope is chocked full of talent and knowledge. The other talented and kept under control. When your significant other possesses each of these you are very blessed.

I know the following does not apply to all men but, I am going to focus here on a man and his tools. We all know that a man is the last one to ask for directions and the first one who thinks he can fix something. Most times you are delighted with his work when it saves some money. I can't begin to tell you about all the things my own husband has fixed while I sat in awe and amazement of what he accomplished.

But, there is the time to retire guys. Unless, you have a burning desire to paint a room, install new lighting, seed a lawn or change the oil in a car. It's time to turn it over to the pros. Not saying you can no longer do it. When it costs money to buy the tools (more clutter) and you complain about losing your weekend (or many weekends) to complete said task, it's just not fun for anyone.

So to all you guys over 50.......support small businesses and evaluate how much your time is worth. I think you will come out much cheaper by just letting go.

The Royal Wedding

I am not ashamed to admit I am a "Royal Watcher". Of course, I didn't care much about them until Diana came on the scene with a dash of the original "Fergie". Prior to these ladies....I knew the Queen of England was Elizabeth, remember her daughter getting married and, wondered if her homely eldest son would ever find a suitable bride.

The rest is history. I watched as the tabloids pursued this lovely young woman who was seven years my JR as she was set to marry a man a few years my SR. I couldn't get enough of what was going on.

In July 1981 I was on vacation and spent the entire day glued to television coverage of the Royal Wedding. I confess that I didn't think the groom was a catch what so ever except if you had a burning desire to marry the future King of England. I could only hope that this bride knew something I didn't. When I first saw her in her "I AM A VIRGIN" wedding gown, that she was only marrying the future king and much too young to know of the consequences.

I watched her grow into a dynamic and stylish woman. She was the influence that took the monarchy from stuffy to interesting. We watched in delight as she dazzled as a princess and a mother. We all said good riddance when she moved on to another life. We cried when she died.

Now her first born son, who unlike big eared Charles will go on to be the King, is getting married. The world will watch this wedding as they did her own and I have to say that she is looking down with such happiness.

She knows that her son is about to wed a woman she so approves of. One far away from being the innocent, virgin bride. Diana knows that Kate will bring the normalcy she so sought to her son.

A mother of a son biggest wish is that the woman he chooses to marry is someone she can be proud of and that this woman likes her. Diana would have won this one.